Saturday, October 18, 2008

a cleansing process


Well I guess though most of us stay in denial I feel that every individual at some point in his/her life has gone through an identity crisis.

Who am i? Trust me after 24 years of fantastic life on planet earth I still haven’t figured out the real me. If I were given an essay on the topic “who am I”?? I can without a doubt tell you that I would fail miserably.

During my first year at NID I went through a serious phase of identity crisis. I'm not really ashamed to be writing this cause the phase I went through has changed me as a person and made me overcome the several hurdles that came my way.

I still have not discovered the real me …I guess I have another 50 years for that (being optimistic).

NID..is something I have been dreaming about since my school days. Being surrounded my hundreds of multi talented people was a sheer threat to my confidence and self esteem. I saw the works of my fellow classmates and my confidence dropped like the mercury on a BP apparatus. Such talented people, each of them knew what they were good at and were proud to display their work in public. I, on the other hand would shy away so easily. I used to hide my sketches in huge books or overturn is so that no one can see what I have drawn.

What was I good at? A question I used to ask myself several times in a day…I was going through a severe phase of identity crisis.

Brilliant ideas and fantastically executed sketches supported by bizarre explanations just floored my coordinator. What did I have?? Stupid ideas and even more silly drawings with average execution of the sketch on a sheet which I used to hide inside my bag. (This is what I used to think of myself back then) When it came to talking I would say I was pretty good but my confidence level hit rock bottom at that time that all the words that used to rush from my vocal chords some how got trapped in my tongue and evaporate into thin air…by the time I could pull myself together all I would hear was “you sketching is pretty bad. Look at xxx work, sketch more, and just don’t shy away…just let go and don’t hold yourself back”.

All I used to think was that my classmates are intelligent, talented and fantastic whereas I was nowhere even close to them. Well this attitude sucks and is going to take you nowhere! It’s all about being confident and talking for your work people! After all Einstein was a failure in school. This was what my mother told me and now I realize that every word of what she uttered is so true.

Sometimes the lamest of ideas backed with a confident fluent explanation can floor the same coordinator. But who am I trying to please here? Please yourself first before you please others. I realized that after two years.

I started working on my final film with a lot of positive energy. This was because, first of all the topic I chose was from my past experience and no one would know it better than me. I made several art works and showed it to people only to get the best compliments ever! How did that happen now?? Its all about positive energy….

I felt a strong release of all the negative energy while working on my film. (Which is still in progress by the way!!) It’s like I’m almost free of all the negativity that was trapped for years.

I fell several times but I got up every time only in hope that the wound will heal faster. Its just a cleaning process…it was for the best!! J

4 comments:

yogesh said...

mini ur doing a fantastic job by conveying ur thoughts and what's on your mind. These things help you think better, improves mind clarity and your thought process...this self introspection will go a long way in making things better..continue the good work...awesome job

Shivani Gakhar said...

Mini i can sooooo relate to it.. It's amazing u have the courage to write about this!! am proud of you..! I've also had a major confidence issue n tried everything to improve it.. then i realised that if u just act confident, you eventually get used to it n end up feeling confident.. but even then, eventually doubts come in.. I was really touched by your post.. I've gone through similar stuff.. where i saw my classmates talking about their work and i wouldnt want to talk about my work cos it was just not good enough for me... but then i realised that if other people can appreciate it, maybe its ok...
well....

Aur Batao said...

Mini... I love you....

harsha said...

i think all of us can really relate to this blog !....
the cleansing ritual has and will continue to happen to us at different phases in our lives, but what counts the most is what we learn from it and how positive we are at the end of each such identity crisis...

the law of attraction immediately came to my mind when i read the blog.. great work mini.... !!!

"if you really want something and truly believe it's possible, you'll get it"