Saturday, October 18, 2008

a cleansing process

Well I guess though most of us stay in denial I feel that every individual at some point in his/her life has gone through an identity crisis.

Who am i? Trust me after 24 years of fantastic life on planet earth I still haven’t figured out the real me. If I were given an essay on the topic “who am I”?? I can without a doubt tell you that I would fail miserably.

During my first year at NID I went through a serious phase of identity crisis. I'm not really ashamed to be writing this cause the phase I went through has changed me as a person and made me overcome the several hurdles that came my way.

I still have not discovered the real me …I guess I have another 50 years for that (being optimistic). something I have been dreaming about since my school days. Being surrounded my hundreds of multi talented people was a sheer threat to my confidence and self esteem. I saw the works of my fellow classmates and my confidence dropped like the mercury on a BP apparatus. Such talented people, each of them knew what they were good at and were proud to display their work in public. I, on the other hand would shy away so easily. I used to hide my sketches in huge books or overturn is so that no one can see what I have drawn.

What was I good at? A question I used to ask myself several times in a day…I was going through a severe phase of identity crisis.

Brilliant ideas and fantastically executed sketches supported by bizarre explanations just floored my coordinator. What did I have?? Stupid ideas and even more silly drawings with average execution of the sketch on a sheet which I used to hide inside my bag. (This is what I used to think of myself back then) When it came to talking I would say I was pretty good but my confidence level hit rock bottom at that time that all the words that used to rush from my vocal chords some how got trapped in my tongue and evaporate into thin air…by the time I could pull myself together all I would hear was “you sketching is pretty bad. Look at xxx work, sketch more, and just don’t shy away…just let go and don’t hold yourself back”.

All I used to think was that my classmates are intelligent, talented and fantastic whereas I was nowhere even close to them. Well this attitude sucks and is going to take you nowhere! It’s all about being confident and talking for your work people! After all Einstein was a failure in school. This was what my mother told me and now I realize that every word of what she uttered is so true.

Sometimes the lamest of ideas backed with a confident fluent explanation can floor the same coordinator. But who am I trying to please here? Please yourself first before you please others. I realized that after two years.

I started working on my final film with a lot of positive energy. This was because, first of all the topic I chose was from my past experience and no one would know it better than me. I made several art works and showed it to people only to get the best compliments ever! How did that happen now?? Its all about positive energy….

I felt a strong release of all the negative energy while working on my film. (Which is still in progress by the way!!) It’s like I’m almost free of all the negativity that was trapped for years.

I fell several times but I got up every time only in hope that the wound will heal faster. Its just a cleaning process…it was for the best!! J

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

bungee jumping

i just saw a video of one of my friends throw himself off from a 134 meter high structure. how do you think he would have felt??
you get ready for the adventure strap yourself up, encourage your self and also listen to voices around you say cmon buddy you can do it... its just an awesome feeling,the rush of blood to your head, the palpitations is something you have to experience. its easy ..i did it last week come on ...if i can do can just have to tell yourself that this is going to be easy. after all the encouraging talks you muster up some courage and tip toe towards that cliff from where you take off into heaven or hell??? i really have a doubt about that.
after listening to the voices in your head you finally decide to do it. your heart continues to vibrate and your legs?? can you actually feel them anymore? that is when you look down into the space beneath you. so vast, empty and waiting for you.its almost like a giant trap waiting to grab you into its arms. you feel the butterflies in your stomach and your head is clouded with tonnes of mixed feelings. you finally overcome you fears and tell yourself -this is it this is tell yourself a million times before you finally let go. its like jumping into this massive monsters mouth...his orifice opens revealing the long strands of saliva hanging like a rope between two enormous teeth. you let go....
All you feel is the heavy gust of wind slapping you left, right and center and trying to rip your clothes apart and reveal your naked body to the entire universe and then pull off each organ part by part and feed it to his young ones. everyone around you is just woo hooing for having accomplished such a wonderful task. when you feel like you are losing yourself re surge to life!!!! soon you open your eyes to see your self swaying like a pendulum in that cosmic space.... you regain your senses and start breathing normally.
as i was watching this video i paused to think about the purpose of this little so called adventure. its more like a sadistic pleasure of wanting to kill your are almost reach that particular point and are back to reality. you finally see yourself breathing again.
what do you gain?? though all these thoughts rush to my head i want to try it...